Bearing News
Art by Erin Barchet

Walk a mile in their fishnets before you judge

As soon as you walk into the Blue Note, and after you get your hand stamped for not being 21 years old, ancient ’80s rock blasts in your ear. It’s pre-show and the emcees are warming up the crowd with raunchy jokes with Freddy Mercury and Bohemian Rhapsody as a backup.

Looking around the venue, everyone’s costumes are tinted blue, purple and red by the flashing stage lights.

Women and men, no children present, are either dressed in normal street clothes or the most extreme costumes possible.

In the second row alone, there are two Janet’s, three Brads, and a Columbia. Columbia’s costume glitter keeps spraying the surrounding crowd and gets gold sparkles in the Frankfurter wig next to her.

The Frankfurter in the third row went all out. With an old Columbia radiation safety lab coat covered in red paint, she had the whole fishnet wrapped package complete with heels, pearls and a black curly wig. Her makeup was terrifying with burgundy lips and black eyeshadow up to her eyebrows, her blush so apparent it looked like she had been slapped on both sides of her face.

The Janet in front of her is just as into the event, wearing only a white lace bra, lab coat and a slip.

But this isn’t an event to judge. The emcee himself, a 50 year old man whose daughter goes to school with me, is decked out in a black and red coret, platform heels and a feather boa.

My ears start to hurt after the first five minutes of blaring music, loud conversations and the emcee’s jokes.

At 8:30, right on time, the lights dim and the movie starts. But before anything can go on, the emcee, Mark Chambers, better known to Columbia and the Columbia Police Department as, “the Master,” (a running inside joke between him and an old audience member apparently) reads of the rules, or lack thereof, for the screening.

The first, nothing touches the silver goddess. Don’t touch, throw food or stain the screen. Keep your toast, water guns and hot dogs to yourself. If anything happens we all go home, no refunds.

The second, this show and its accompanying performance is raunchy. It’s not a clean-cut play with a few curses. It’s one sexaully suggestive remark and offensive joke after the other and if you don’t like it too bad.

The third, be an audience member in the truest sense: PARTICIPATE. Scream along with the audience when it comes to name calling characters, dance the “Time Warp” with no shame and sing confidently along with every song played.

There’s no choice other than to participate in the show filled with veiled and not-so-veiled sexual and suggestive remarks. After all, you won’t enjoy anything if you don’t open your mind a little and let loose.

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1 comment

Sarah November 17, 2015 at 5:45 pm

Let’s go next year!! This sounds so fun, I can’t believe I’ve never been.

Reply

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