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Friends come first; love comes later

When defining the values of a relationship, it leads to talk about the feeling, what I gain from the person and what they gain from me. I should be with someone who accepts me, someone who not only likes me but values me. I know I have a strong bond with someone when it can’t be broken. What I’ve learned about relationships is that before anything, make them my friend.

People are always in such a rush to put labels on relations, and it takes away the soul of the relationship. I’ve had guys ask me to be their girlfriend, and they, literally, know nothing about me. They always say, “Well, I can get to know you.”

Why not get to know me first then see if you even want me to be your girlfriend? I could probably be annoying, crazy, boring or the exact type of girl they don’t like, but before they want to get to know me they want to label me as their girlfriend.

When we automatically put labels on relationships, it ruins the connection because it becomes two people trying to live up to the standards of a relationship. People will instantly say, “You want to be my girlfriend/boyfriend?” Instead of just talking to the person first and once you get to know them then ask the question. You can express your feelings in the beginning but don’t rush things.

What helped me growing up was my mother always telling me not to worry about having a boyfriend and just have friends. I’m the type of person who can get along with anybody. With me, growing up and living with my brothers, I had no problem just talking to boys because that’s all that I saw them as; I know a lot of girls who swear they’re damaged over some guy from middle school. I never understood how people could be so heartbroken over a relationship at a young age. Taking it to the extreme and saying they have trust issues or they’re scared to be in another relationship from when they were 13. I can do nothing but think to myself, “does that relationship even count?” But who am I to judge if they say they were in love, then I guess they were in love.

That’s how you start to build a good relationship with people. Just start off with being their friend, talk to them how you would talk to any other person. That’s how you determine if you two could possibly work or not. I remember a guy I grew up with liked me so much, and I would never give him a chance, mainly because he was a popular person and lots of people knew him.

Some people who are popular and very arrogant can have the mentality of, “Oh, since everybody likes me, I can get whoever I want,” and that is exactly how he acted. After a while of his trying, I finally gave him a chance, but I didn’t make it easy for him. I just started talking about my true interests. I brought up music, T.V. shows, things happening in the world, anything to figure out his interests. After a couple of weeks, I realized I didn’t like him. I didn’t dislike him because we didn’t have the same interests but because whenever I talked to him about topics other than us being in a relationship he didn’t want to talk.

I don’t get why we have to be in a relationship first or establish we are a couple before wanting to talk about other things. Half the time people are in relationships and still have nothing to talk about and people then wonder why the relationship didn’t last long. Relationships don’t last when two people attempt to jump to the next level, they are more about building a bond with that person.

My perfect example of a great connection is like Jim and Pam from “The Office.” Jim liked Pam for the longest, and she didn’t even realize it because she was busy trying to force herself to be happy with her fiancé.Throughout the years of Jim and Pam working together they had the best bond. They had inside jokes, shared stories and had fun. Even though it took Pam a long time to realize it, they were in love.

Relationships are about the connection, the energy and the friendship developed throughout time. Whenever I hear married couples talk about their spouse, I always hear them call them their spouse as well as their best friend. That’s what it’s all about.

For me, before dating someone I prefer having a bond and great friendship first. I have not been in a “relationship” yet; some people find that weird, but I’m perfectly fine with it. I want to know that I actually like the person before calling us a couple. Seeing multiple failed relationships have pushed me away from wanting to be in one. The day I know that I actually like a guy is when I ask him what he likes about me and he says more than just “you’re just different.” That is not a good reason and my advice to any girl who is just dating a guy is to not fall for that line. I prefer to make it hard for boys in the beginning because most boys I’ve dealt with thought they had me figured out already, they thought that all they had to do was a little smooth talk and I’m just falling for them. But no, I hate to be rushed in my feelings and doing or saying things that I know I don’t mean. There was a time I talked to a guy for about four months and in his mind we were in a relationship but I didn’t really care for him that much. But because he wanted me to like him, I forced myself to instead of just telling him how I felt. Eventually I told him and he couldn’t really understand my point of view of or why I went along with the whole thing. After that experience though I just said if I’m going to date a guy we’re going to get to know each other and let everything else fall into place. The less I worry about liking someone the more I actually start to like them and become attached, sometimes without even knowing it.

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1 comment

Lupita A March 13, 2019 at 6:10 pm

I totally agree with this! It’s about what someone values in a person, not what expectations they wish to achieve. I also really liked “The Office” reference you included because it showed an example of what you were trying to say.

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